why has the world become such an ugly place? what happened to the days where people did stuff for one another without thinking twice? what happened to people just being genuinely nice?

remember those days when you were a kid and one of the other kids in your class that you didn't really know let you keep his/her favorite pencil? or perhaps you were the new kid in school and someone invited you to sit at their lunch table. now it seems all people care about is money, sex and themselves. i thought it was just here in america, but after spending almost three weeks in Iran and talkin to my cousin, i've found that everywhere is the same shit. everywhere you look, guys are cheatin on their gfs, girls are selling themselves short, no one does anythin for anyone without askin, "what's in it for me?".... ahhh... i wanna go back to the days when i was kid and didn't understand the world. i wanna enjoy everyday for what it is.. not for what i have to do and omg there isn't enough time. why is it that when you're young the days and years go by soooo slow. i couldn't wait to grow up... and then, as soon as i turned 18, BAM! time sped up. slowly there weren't enough hours in the day and years were ending in the blink of an eye. i'm going to be 22 in two months... i JUST turned 21... how is that possible?? next thing i'll know i'll be out of college, at work everyday, wishing that i was in college again. life is supposed to get better no? so why does it seem after college everythin goes down the tube. at least that seems to be the major feeling of college grads. all complaining bout how they hate their jobs and wish they could sleep instead of having to get up in the morning. maybe its cuase majority of them don't enjoy their jobs. or maybe... its the truth.

wow.. its been a while since i've written, but here goes...

ahhh.. people are so dumb. why do we do it to eachother? why do we go out and try to hurt one another? some of the things that i've heard people do or say are a complete shock to me. its painful for me to listen to stories of the nasty or cruel events/conversations that have occurred between my friends and other people. i sit there and listen in awe wonderin if these people who are committin these actions or sayin the things that they do even have a heart. i, for one, would never do anythin or say anythin to anyone that i would not want done or said to me. there is the "nice way" of puttin things without hurtin someone and there is the "i want to hurt you so bad" way of sayin somethin to someone. here's an example: you and your bf/gf are having a lot of problems and you want to break up with him/her. you can say a. "listen [baby, sweetheart, etc.] things aren't really workin out, we're fighting alot and i don't wanna be in this anymore" or you can say b. "your a bitch/asshole. i don't wanna deal with your shit no more. i hate you and being around you. it's over" now i hope ya'll saw a difference in the two. why anyone would use the latter is beyond me. just put yourself in the other person's shoes and see how you would feel. i think if more people did that, there would be less problems in everythin. broken hearts would mend faster perhaps, cuase well, the hateful words won't play over and over in your head. people it seems nowadays don't think before they act. they just do what feels rite at that moment without thinkin of the repricutions. im not gettin into it.. but the cheatin thing. how can you not think of the other person? have you no shameeeee? and then when it happens to them, they act like its the end fo the world and they can't seem to understand why its happenin to them. like i say and will always say: KARMA is a BITCH.. so for all of you, including myself, who have ever been hurt by someone that you've cared about, just remember, they'll get theirs one day too. it may not be tomorrow, it may not be this year, but i promise... it will happen.

so i was watching oprah today... hahah.. so girlie of me... but i had to.. tom cruise was on. anywayz.. the man was crazy.. he was jumpin on couches, over enthusiastic about everythin. i thought it was great but my brother who watched a little bit of it was like he's on crack... according to oprah and tom though, he was in love. is that what love is supposed to make a person feel like? get a person soooo happy and crazy that they are on this crazy high all day long? i thought i knew what love was. heck at one point i even thought i was in love. wow... that was sooo long ago... now that i look back on it, i haven't been in love (or what i thought was love) since i was a senior in hs... 3 years since i've had that "feelin"... long time to have no love.. but now that i think about it, i was really too young to truly understand what love is. i still am not too sure what love is supposed to be but i've gotten an idea.. brace yourselves for the gushy stuff now...  love is that feeling that just sits in the pit of your stomach and never goes away. its that feeling you get when you look at that person and know that there is no where else you want to be then right there at that moment. its butterflies... its being truly comfortable... its your first thought of the day when you wake up, last thought when you sleep. its knowing that you have truly met your match.... that he/she is, in fact, the most amazin person you have ever met.  i mean, how hard is it to fall in love with someone who you see as incredible? even if you've never been in love before, its gotta be THAT feelin.. if that person is truly everythin you want and more.. why can't it be love?

people seem to find this need to put a time restraint on love. who says that it can't happen in a matter of days, hours, heck.. even minutes. we have been so brainwashed into thinking that love can't happen in short periods of time that many people deny their feelings. why hide the fact that your in love? if it is truly this incredible feelin, where it makes you want to jump up and down and be crazy, why not show it to the world? why be ashamed of it? and why does the fact that a person can be in love with another only after knowin them a few days scare people? heck, i even think that its crazy but why? who put this idea out there that if you fall in love before a certain amount of time, your either insane, have no idea what your talking about or that your movin too fast? people can be so so skeptical. have faith!!! hell maybe if more of us felt the way tom cruise did today the world would be an amazin place...  

so i started thinkin... is it better to do things for other people and have expectations or is better to do them and have no strings attached? talkin from experience, i have always been the type of person who does things for people with no expectations in return. and i am also the person who has gotten hurt the most from doing so. "but your not expecting anythin"... yea.. i'm not but i mean how long can a person go on having their nice gestures go unnoticed? i've done a heeeeelll of a lot for people. some people even say that i'm wayyy too nice. and not to toot my own horn or anything but i kno i am.. and especially to people who really don't deserve it but thats the way i've been my entire life and as ya'll know, change is not the easiest thing. you would think i would have learned after soooo many years. when do you say: enough is enough? and how do you change from being that person who is always nice to being that somewhat mean/selfish person without people being like omg, what happened to her? 

of all the people in my life i know that there are basically only 2 people in my life who would do just as much for me as i have them: my sister and my mother.. and thats only cause they kinda have to. when will i learn that its rarely people's nature to be nice? and i find that IT IS the people who do things with expectations that get the most out of it. they never let themselves get abused and always have someone doing somethin for them in return cause they know that thats the way it is. perfect example: my brother. i have done so much for him and you would think that he owes me so much. but no f**kin way.. the boy is always negotiating: "so if i do this, what you gonna do for me?" its like are you serious? and yet, somehow, he always manages to get what he wants and have me do somethin for him in return. but doing things for people and having expectations has its bad side also. you basically become known as an asshole or selfish cause well heck, you don't do anythin for anyone just out of the goodness of your heart. but do those people really care what others think about them? if they did, i'm sure they woudlnt' be the way that they are. and its not that i care what others think about me. ya'll know that i could give two shits bout that. i just find it really, really hard to be mean without either feelin horrible or guilty. either way, i lose. if i do somethin nice and my gesture goes unnoticed, i lose. if i don't do somethin nice, i feel guilty, i lose again... ahhh... a vicious cycle i tell you...

but which is better.. the sweet, amazingly nice person who gets stepped on by lots of people, or the asshole who gives somethin and gets somethin?... i don't know.. you tell me...

so this is gonna be a bitching entry... feel free to skip and not read if you don't want to hear it...

summer so far is suckin... you know what that means? more suckin to come... and i don't mean the good kind ;0) i have no job.. no money... no one to play with and well, the place i live in sucks even more. now if i lived in, ooh lets say jamaica, my ass would be on the beach every day whether i had someone to go with or not. its the beach for cryin out loud, not to mention some gorgeous ones at that. what better way than to grab my blanket, grab a good book and be on my way. i could tan, read, lie down, swim.. the works... and honestly, i could careless that i was alone. i mean, don't get me wrong, company would be lovely and highly appreciated but not necessary. unfortunately, where i live, not only is the beach a good 30 minutes away, its ugly and smelly. its not even worth it to go that far more than maybe once a week. not to mention its way too freakin cold to even be thinkin bout the beach rite now. sucky sucky.

tryin to find a job is no better.. seems like the only jobs left to do are be camp counselors or party sluts. i mean seriously... i worked at a camp one summer... worst summer of my life. don't get me wrong. if the pay was better i would be on that in a heartbeat. but a measely 1000 dollars to watch annoyin 6-10 years olds from 9-430.. do i look crazy? with taxes thats about 800... i kno i kno... there are tips but you know how cheap some parents are... i got about ooh i'd say 150 in tips that summer i worked at a camp... some of the parents tipped me 5 dollars... 5 DOLLARS for babysittin their bratty kid for 8 WEEKS... thats how much i tip my waiter/waitress when i go to dinner. its like no thank you. then the party sluts... yea promises of amazin dollars.. of course.. you better pay good money to have a girl walk around almost half naked and have disgustin men flirt and touch her all evenin while she puts lovely shots in their mouths. ewewew... annnnnnnddd... you have to be out till like 5 in the mornin all weekend and for partyin thats kool. but not for work. i'd be tired as hell and then my days would be ruined too. would be way too tired to anythin but sleep. 

::sigh:: ooh the joys of summer.